The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?"
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their
room, when the piqued (愤怒的）bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!"
"Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I’m going to have
trouble enough explaining you to her."
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed.
The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?" before wiggling （摇摆）her backside and walking off.
"Who was that?!" demanded the doctor’s wife.
"Errr… Just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.
"Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife, "in WHOSE profession? Yours, or HERS?"
The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a
note saying, "Regret cannot remember which one is you
—please keep your photo and return the others."
The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . ."
"What makes you think you need all these?"Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."
A Joe was in the hospital and it was time for lunch. He looks at his lunch and says, "I don’t like chicken soup, bring something else."
The hospital worker said, "It’s good for you, the doctor said you should have it." Regardless, the patient refused to eat it.
That night, a patient in the room with Joe had a bad stomach pain so the nurses came in to give him an enema. By mistake, they gave the enema to Joe.
The following week, when he was leaving the hospital, a new patient asked him how he liked the hospital.
He told him, "Well, the hospital itself is pretty good, but they’re very strict about their food. Here’s a good tip – when they bring up chicken soup you better eat it, or else they’ll come back in the middle of the night and shove it up your behind!"
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "Does this mean
that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this also mean I cannot call a pig, ‘Mrs. Johnson’?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig ‘Mrs. Johnson’ with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you’ll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you’ll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."
A man was crawling across the Desert dying of thirst, when a camel raced up and stopped. An Arab jumped down, opened a suitcase and said, "Would you like to buy a tie?"
"No,"said the man, ‘I need water, do you have water?’
What are men really like?
Men are like…..Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate much interest.
Men are like…..Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY.
Men are like…..Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like…..Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like…..High heels. They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like…..Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
men stop reading here. That is the end of the
joke.
women keep’a scrollin’…
So your lives suck if you count on men. By the way
if you’re a man and you’re reading this this illustrates another point: men never listen either.
It was the first day of school.
As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible
commotion coming from one of the classrooms.
He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise.
He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.
Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior.
"Now," he said, "are there any questions?"
One girl stood up timidly. " Please sir," she asked, "May we have our teacher back?"
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